"
Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep"


"
Tough we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains"

~I still got so much to say.....

missing....

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

~i dunno how to erase his name out of my heart.....

Heat

So yeah...instead of taking the highroad & ignore, I took a lesser but braver alternatives.

All because I read the love letter from the girl to him...and because I got to know there's another girl as well....sigh...I seriously feel like ripping out my heart so that I cant feel anymore...I guess anybody who's in & was in my shoes wld want to do that too...

The other girl, it seems, she was the who's doing "the dirty work". Playing him like a puppet on a pretense of a friend..& also befriending the other girl who I can say is oblivious to it. I kinda feel sorry for that naive girl but then again, she had said clearly in the love letter that she doesnt care about me & what I'm feeling as long he's making her happy & treating her great...Sigh

Let me call the 1st girl G & the 2nd girl B.

G is the girl he's chasing, B is the girl he had long known but loathed her before.

Anyway, since I was tooooo damn heartbroken & sad & dissapointed & angry & all other related feelings, I decided to write it down. Yeap, that I did & all hell break loose.

I wrote of how I'm feeling & what I know that he thot I didnt know, especially the part there's B in the picture as well and what I said abt B really hit the right button too. It even shoot her up to the roof & beyond hahaha coz the 1st time what goes around came around to her, someone knows abt it & it's me! of all people! Malu seyh..

And I wrote abt G, most of it is about her, not to condemn her but to make her realize that the person she so trusted in is actually backstabbing her.

And him, how he is licking back all his own spit. But never did I deny my love for him...I do, I do love him still...He is my heart & soul......I'm just dissapointed to see how low he had stooped now.

Where's the man I had known? why? why? tsk....

Anyway, I know the consequences of my action. It's like, I prepared a stage, & guess what, B went up & dance! How she is being shoot left & right by those who read..I didnt ask them to though...He knew better, he shut up but he didnt wait for long to also go up the stage & dance as well...Sigh

And me, after posting that, I just kept quiet. I've said what I've wanted to say. I had made him realized that I'm not as stupid ( or issit rather him not as clever?). He cant break my heart & get away with it. And she, she cant mess other people's life & get away too...

Previously, I wld have taken the quiet & high road (like I normally do) but I've learnt, there's different way to deal with different people.

Even so, deep in his heart, I know he realized all this but if he admits, that wld mean dia ada di bawah, & he cant be that. So, he keep on offendind & offending & offending. Is offense is the best defense? Not necessarily.....

But if anyone noticed, no one is denying what I said coz it's true. They cant deny the whole thing. Mind you, I dont make up stories.. That is just not me.

Another reason for me doing that is to be able to let go...Sum says I shdnt do that but sum who knows me well say, yeah, I did the right thing...eventho it complicates the matter.

But the heat will die down, in time....isnt it?

devilish!

I did something today heeeheeeheee...I'll blog abt it later...

Pleas.....

I think I’m at the end of the rope..I don’t think I can fight any longer……too exhausting if the other party isnt giving his very best too..

I know he’s still lying to me eventho he promised not too. I met him the other nite..I told my friend coz I wanna see his eyes, to see the very truth that he’s lying. I wanna be able to stand to it & walk when the time comes. But the next day, I was talking to another friend of mine, after hearing all what happened, she then told me…He’s your comfort zone. That’s why even if you are damn pissed at him, but when he comes to you, all that doesn’t matter anymore..Yeah..that’s true…It did hit me…

I started to write this piece sumwhere around last week but haven’t managed to continue. So, today I will. Last weekend he lied again to me. This is the biggest since the last one. He thought there’s no way I could find out. And if I did, I wouldn’t be able to prove it. Well, he thought wrong. I did proved and he can’t even prove that he’s not where he said he was. Eventhough I had known it on Saturday nite itself, I kept mum. I still see him that same nite, eventho I know he just had met the girl and still thinking abt her. I even went out with him on Sunday. I guess, I just need to have a good time with him one last time. To feel him, to hug him, to kiss him & to say I love you….one last time. He didn’t see it coming though. I did cry that Sunday nite, but when he asked me why, I just shook my head & said it was nothing. I guess he’s a bit “cuak” in thinking that I might have found out, which I did anyway…He asked me whether I love him & I said yes. He took me to dinner & traces of her are still in his car. I knew…

I had already plan in my head that Saturday nite…to walk on. I’m too damn hurt. On Monday, I told my boss I’ll be on mc. No one said anything, probably because they saw how I lost weight tremendously. You know, he usually will be online with me during work but that day, when he saw I wasn’t online he didn’t even call to ask how I was..I sent him an sms saying that I had a stomach ache but he still didn’t reply my sms.

That morning, I packed all his belongings that were in my house except for 1 lousy shirt. I was packing it into his bag. I went through one by one with my broken heart..sniffing, holding but I didn’t cry. I called 1 of his friends that had been a pal all the way when all of this started. I guess it is because I feel so comfortable with him, & he knows me quite well…my behaviors, how I act, my reasoning….I put all his stuff in my car trunk, I do not want that friend to see it. I didn’t even tell anyone what I was going to do. I met him for a while…had breakfast. My guy still didn’t ask me how I was. Closed to noon, I smsed his mom. I went to see her. She was quite cool for a mom whose son was making trouble to me. She did ask me twice, am I willing to wait for her son and all. She is regretfull of all the things the son had done. Oh I forgot, his sister knew all about this & told the mom already. The mom did ask me to think abt myself 1st. She did want to help me though but she said, if only I think her son is worth it. She also knows how selfish her son is. ~sigh….

After talking to her, I feel much better, I asked her permission to put his stuff in his bedroom. She said yes eventhough I can feel she’s not agreeing with what I was doing.

I went to the bedroom & saw 4 phone numbers of the girl were on a piece of paper lying on his dresser. Yeah ..so much for an empty promise.. I left him a note:
“Yang, I know there was no that thing you said. I went but you weren’t there. Where were you? I love you so much! But you lie to me…..again.”

Just that. But I did sumthing else too. I took a receipt that he had paid for our next vacation. If we are not going together, I cant bear knowing he had gone for that vacation with her, that he had bought it with me. I don’t care, I took it.

I went back and felt anxious. I dunno what to feel. I know he don’t know abt it yet, because he’ll come back sumwhere around midnite from work & gym. True enough, he smsed me asking why I return all his stuff. All. I didn’t answer.

The next day, he asked me again but I didn’t answer, instead I was pressing him on where he was. OMG! How he lied…deeper & deeper & deeper, deep in his own shit. We were fighting throughout the day. He, denying everything I said & me, getting closer & closer. Until finally he gave in..he said “ I cant forget her…”

My heart dropped to the floor & just stop beating. I couldn’t possibly imagine after so many broken hearts, I could still felt that. I closed every application on my pc & replied to him “You broke my heart again..” With that I shut down everything & went back. I didn’t even care that my boss was at my back. I was so damn hurt. I sms the girl because I was too damn angry & hurt & upset. No need to know what I said. How can a girl do this to another girl? It’s not fair!! I have nvr stole anybody’s guy you know!

I didn’t reply all his calls & his smses. I was on invi mode the next day up till today. I am still unable to talk to him...I do not want to talk to him...I do not want to hear what he got to say...Cause whetever it is, if he wants me back, he gotta prove it man! Not like before, all sweet words and empty promises.....

Should I even consider him at all? His friend told me how miserable he is right now wihtout me, but what good it does if he's still bragging abt her innit?

I missed him...Oh God! I miss him, damnit...
I called my mom & it seems she knows this already. My sis told her...I'm glad that she wasnt as badly hurt as I was...This is like my umpteenth failed relationship...being nice doesnt do you any good, it seems.

Since I wasnt answering any of his pleads to talk to me, last nite he came to the house but I was outside. So I had to reply his sms & told him I'm not there...broken it , shit.

Now I'm running away...I hope not to see him...I hope he doesnt come to my house...It wld be easier to hate if he didnt rite?

Love me tender...

I cant sleep again…..He’s snoring inside. He didn’t look at my eyes when he fetch me for supper….It breaks my heart again because I know he might not be telling me the truth…He’s avoiding my eyes…..

Everyday I asked why. Everyday I asked how. Why did he stopped loving me the way he did & how did he do that to me…..Somehow I do understand eventhough I do not want to..

Again I asked myself, where did I do him wrong?

He still doesn’t want to let go of her…He is still chasing her, even though he might not be realizing that part. He still wants to have some sort of contact with her..Come on, we are not kids anymore, in contact doesn’t mean by phone only. He still wants her to know he’s there…..It breaks my heart again & again, yet I cannot seek in my heart to hate him.

He didn’t kiss me….

Did he lose all the love he has? Didn’t he see how much I love him? Didn’t he see how much he’s hurting me? Here I am, crying silently through the night.

If only I haven’t been to that holiday…what would have happened then? Would that make any difference at all?

Is it all fun & thrill for him? I’ve been missing him all the while I was in that island, cant stop talking about him at all….

Why did he got bored when I needed him to support & be there for ne? I was with him when he needed me, if Im not mistaken…why cant he fight that temptation….

He said he still love me but why didn’t he even kiss me tonight?

I still cant eat…I cant sleep…I pretended to work & only got scolded by my superiors…A colleague also still pressuring me on wanting to know why I lost so much weight. I cant be telling her that my boyfriend had decided to have a go at another girl, can I..

Yang, I love you so much…Cant you find it in your heart to love me back?

The very least try, try to push the temptation away……

Step Change

Step Change.
That’s what I learned being in this godforsaken soap company..It means that you make a drastic change to your norm that can benefit you. I am taking a drastic change. I cut my beautiful curls today. Only those few understand the meaning of me cutting my hair short. But him, probably he thinks that I’m trying too hard. It doesn’t matter, I’m doing this for myself. I have this habit of analyzing actions & reactions..even my own.

It is now very late at night, I cant sleep..thinking of what had happened. I haven’t been eating properly for days. It broke my sister’s heart to see me like this. Why am I holding on to this relationship?

A wise person said to me today, “You know, you were there for him when he needed you, you were there for him every time & all the way, but when you need him so much, he got tired and bored of needing to be there every time..Is he even worth the chance you are giving to him?” Yeah…it hit home.

I am tired of running through all the theories…It makes my head throbbing like a wood being chopped. Why? Why did he give in to temptation? It saddens me…It saddens me..

He has this wholesome & hearty meal in front of him, but he took a candy & licked it. He got the taste of it and doesn’t want to let go of it, even though all the goodness is actually lying in front of him. 1 lick is all it takes. Even though the candy is sugar & colours, and most probably gives him a toothache later on, he’s still holding on to it & never wanting to let it go. How do I take that candy away from him?

That same person said directly to my face, “the girl doesn’t care, best woman wins..remember?” Ouch!

He thought I felt threatened because she’s like 7 years younger than me..It doesn’t matter abt the age..I know I’m older but the most important thing is why he did it?

I broke down in front of him the other day, asking him, what is not enough from me to him? He said none…I cried & I cried. I told him, it hurts. It hurts so much…I do not how to handle this. The person I love has another girl. He wants another girl & he told me he loves me. He dried my tears and told me he’s sorry he’s doing this to me.

And today, I went out to dinner with him. I’m trying my very best not to say anything but deep inside, when he kisses me, I was thinking whether he’s giving it a try or he just wants me to get better before he walks away….Of course we like to think the pleasant one right? But I couldn’t help thinking the worse..Heck! I even prepared myself for the worst. But people did say, if you are waiting the worst to happen, it will.

I do not know what else to think.

I’ve been through this before..eventhough this time it’s different, but why does it need to happen again? I didn’t tell my mom abt this, it’ll just make her cry..I’m not ready for that either. She’s a good person and doesn’t deserve this. Even if my father has all this weakness in a man, he doesn’t help my mother around the house and whatnot, but at least he’s faithful to her. Never once, even when the time my mom was pregnant and doesn’t want the child and giving my dad a hard time, he didn’t walk away or even stray. It amazed me because I was there to witness all that. It would have been so easy for him to just take off..Why can’t I have that too? Probably because I’m not a good person myself…

I’m tired..I wanna sleep but I can’t….Everybody is asking me to walk away, but why am I still holding back?