24 March 2007- Dear Matilda

u family I ke?”

Dear Matilda,
It was simple sentence. How could he say it like that? It was just a matter of picking me up after an event late at night. If he could fetch & send a lady friend all the way from her home, who owned a car even, and why couldn’t he come fetch me, who has no car? And he got the guts to tell me he couldn’t fetch me because he needs to send HER back home? Do I look stupid to you Matilda?
I never thought such a simple question could shatter my heart to pieces, could hammer my skull straight to the very core. All those short-temperedness, all those hot-temperedness, all those “pegi mampus!”, all those stubbornness, all those “ikut suka hati u lah” can never beat this simple question.
It wasn’t even about his family. It wasn’t even about that. It was just that he had wanted to go out & have fun, to which I had never said no to. How can I even do that? I just asked him to fetch me afterwards, not to cancel the whole thing even though I know he’s going out with a girl who’s crazy about him, who has no respect for me whatsoever. Didn’t he remembered all those numerous times I had cancel my outings, I had come back early from events just to pick him up & go send him to wherever he had wanted to go or do. He said to me, oh he coming back late & whatnot and asked me to take a ride back with whomever. Whomever????
I thought he was my boyfriend. A boyfriend is supposed to care about your safety more than his other lady friends. They should not even be on his mind in the first place. Just because he wanted to send her back, he’s willing to let me go back home on my own. Ok, fine. I told him I’ll take a cab back and he got angry. What is that Matilda? I just told him that he chooses his lady friends over me, as I was really sad and angry.
All those years had never prepared me for this blow to my face. If he remembers correctly, we are more than just girlfriend/boyfriend. We ARE family. Did he forget what had happened? Did he forget what he had shared with me before?
I told myself, I do not want to go down that road where we start to “ungkit” all those things that I’ve done for him. It is just not right. A relationship shouldn’t be like that..but I couldn’t help it this time after he started first.
I couldn’t sleep last nite. I was up watching tv & crying. What good it does to me, I do not know. I touched all his things in my room. I had washed all his clothes and fold them nicely. I should have let it be unwashed & rot. I am not his family isn’t it? That’s what he said. So I have no obligation at all to care about his dirty laundries, his shit & his temper. But I can’t. Simply because, I love him. Very much. I folded his laundries with so much love today. Even when I switch on this pc, I saw his face, my background was our pix together when we went holidaying to sum exotic place, when he was twice his size now. And that was yonks ago, that was the last time we went holidaying together, only the 2 of us.
It is raining cats & dogs outside now, with the wind and all. Probably imitating what I’m feeling inside. I have never felt so raw.
If he realized I’m writing to you now, he would shoot up to the roof. It injured his pride if he knows I’m sharing this, but Matilda, how could I not share this with you? I’ll go crazy. What mattered most to a man? His pride or his love? I guess I already know the answer.
My reply to him was, “ I thot u will make me a part of your family 1 fine day. Oh, so I thot wrong?”.
Matilda, is this the end? Pls help me…I am at my end wits. Should I just let it go?
“u family I ke?” . It was a simple question.

Yours truly,
Devastated.

Dear Devastated,
Life is never fair to anyone. Probably he’s tired of you. Probably he got bored. Probably he thot he’s the most hotshot around that you should obey him & kiss the earth he walked on. Oh what bollocks! I believe there’s more to it. What he’s showing & acting up, is just the surface, the tip of the iceberg. There should be more lying underneath that he’s not sharing with you.
Ask yourself, how long had he been this way or just recently?
In most relationships, there will be all this sweet, supposedly innocent (bleargh) girls, ever so sweetly becoming so attached to your partner. It doesn’t matter if the girls are all just poseurs; even their sweet voices are all made up. This is what we call temptations, and sadly, I have to let you know, your beloved boyfriend is giving in to temptations. Poor you… I do feel for you girl!
You should become like all those girls, you know. All those girls who use their body features, their sweet voices, and their vulnerability as to show how needy they are and men will definitely fall to their feet. Oh don’t forget to put on the bimbo-like face. Men will melt at the sight of it. Or you can try calling the guys up at nite, crying & whining about your car that you have sold. That would definitely score big points with whatever guy that you want. And only you and the rest of the girls would know that it is just all an act, but the most importantly is the guy won’t know.
I know you have given him all of your heart & that is why it is such a shattering revelation to you..but get a grip now.. His pride matters most. It doesn’t matter how he professed his love to you before..because that was when he had wanted you.
There’s no point of trying too hard, at the end it will just break your own heart. He should have put your safety first…if he had cared enough for you. He shouldn’t have asked that to you if he’s really serious about you. To choose between just a friend and a girlfriend, well…..but what I don’t get is why he brings up about his family? Did you say that you asked him to choose between you and that lady friend or you and his family?
And, by saying what he did, you are not gonna be part of his family anytime soon. So, like I say, get a grip of your life. Be the woman you once was. I hope you are pretty, otherwise you wont make it…Too bad.

Yours truly,
Matilda.